So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
