Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
