I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
