how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
