i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
