Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i just google imaged poop.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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