I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
