I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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