im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
