Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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