I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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