This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
