My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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