I got her a Nickelback box set.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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