dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
