just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
