If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
