so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
