God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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