am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
