What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
