I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
