I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
