I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
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