I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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