I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
