my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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