All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
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Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
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I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.