I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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