I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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