do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in