The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
