Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
