Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have aggressive nipples.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
