need another drink. this is the easiest way
My room smells like vodka and shame
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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