just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
