SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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