i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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