i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
