and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
