I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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