My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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