I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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