I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
two words...techno handjob
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
