I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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