my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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