You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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