I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
