My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
