ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
