oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
