Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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