My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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