he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
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I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
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Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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