im drinking this country out of the recession.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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