I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
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Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
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I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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