I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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