apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
