this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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