guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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