Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
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Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
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I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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